Dreams

I had the most awful dream about you last night. The kind of dream that I had during my first trimester while pregnant with you. They were dreams about how I couldn't take care of you and neglected you always in the same way - - I was busy doing my own thing and had left you alone. It has been more than a year since I have had such a dream and suddenly, last night, it was back.

I chose to go to one of your teacher's houses to visit and I left you home alone in your crib. I stayed there all day and hardly gave you a thought until she started pulling out the sleeping bags for the slumber party and I realized it was nighttime. I had left you home alone unfed all day long and in my dream, I was paralyzed with fear and anxiety over what I had done knowing that you had been crying all day and wondering where I was. I felt that primal rush to such an extent that I could actually FEEL it through my sleep and woke up in a panic.

As I was telling one of your teachers about it this morning, she said I was probably feeling guilty for not being able to be with you all the time and that it is translating into neglect in my head. It's possible, but the amount or quality of the time that I spend with you has not changed recently. I hope that it ends there because it is not at all pleasant to have such emotional dreams.