Civil War

Definition: (n) the phenomena of constant battle within yourself having to do with staying home or working.

And so it is a battle that rages on daily. If you would have asked me during my maternity leave if I was planning to be a stay at home mom, the answer would have been a whole-hearted YES. After three months of being home and relishing the days with my daughter, I did not miss the politics and the stress of a full-time job. Unfortunately, I had to return to work for a short period of time so I wouldn't have to pay back the disability leave: three months to be exact. I cried for several days prior to her first day at daycare and felt horribly guilty for leaving her with someone else and not spending the whole day playing with her and teaching her. But during that time back at work, it became less and less painful to leave Lacey in other care.

Now it is six months later. I have been frantically trying to think of ways to stay home and make money on my own terms. I have considered several options. I am still working full-time. Why? Because although there is one very ENORMOUSLY important (and cute) reason to stay home, there are several reasons not to leave. Money issues being primary, but obviously fear and self-doubt are not far behind. And then there's the one I just can't understand...guilt. Once again, "Mommy guilt" rears its ugly head. My whole-hearted YES from my maternity leave over six months has become "I don't know".

Daycare has ruined me. My guilt stems from the very fact that they teach her and raise her so well. She plays all day, she sings songs, she does ART PROJECTS to bring home to make me jealous. (OK, that's not a fair statement because it isn't true, but it certainly feels that way). I am so proud of all the things that she can do, which I know are a direct result of her exposure to other babies and a learning environment. It was most evident when she moved up to the "older infant room" and in just a week, I was witnessing the most amazing development from her. Clearly, being with older babies has helped her with her motor skills, verbal skills, and eating skills. How can I possibly compete with that? If she had never gone to daycare, I wouldn't know what she was missing. But now that I have seen the good it does for her, I feel guilty for wanting to bring her home. I discovered this about myself after Matt took a new position at his work that allows him to spend 2 days a week with Lacey. And I would find myself thinking, "Oh, but she's supposed to make spiders tomorrow"! There is enough guilt in this issue to pass around to everyone.